my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
