I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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