a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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