We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
