there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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