I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
