I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
