DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
