don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
