i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
