just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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