Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
