can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
