My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
