Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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