He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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