Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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