I heard we made out
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
