what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
