I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think a kid would responsible me up
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
