The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
