I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
