There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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