Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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