dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
