So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
