Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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