I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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