God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
