it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
