Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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