I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just want to make out with him forever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
