He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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