I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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