it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
