is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
