my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
