Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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