now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
