I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
