The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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