This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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