They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm bleeding and have questions
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