I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
