grandma shit on top of the toilet
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
