SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
