He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
