Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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