I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All I want is dick and wine.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
