Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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